How to Be Noah's Girlfriend
by strangeangelsxx
Summary: A handy guide by Rachel Barbara Berry*. Inspired by the story "How to Be Noah's Girlfriend A Handy Guide" by Isabel5, we will be going in depth of specific instances in Puckleberry's relationship. How did Rachel survive being Puck's girlfriend? PROMPT FIC
1. Number 33

Author's Note:Hey everyone! The next chapter of "Unexpected" will be up soon, but here is something I've had on the backburner for a while. Enjoy!

This struck me as I was reading "How to Be Noah's Girlfriend" by Isabel5. I loved the story and highly recommend it. It was hilarious and cute, and I was really inspired to start a drabble series about the different sections of Rachel's book. I have a few to start off already from the original story, but I will be taking requests. If you have an idea then please send me a review and I will try to work with what everyone sends me (feel free to send a number with it if you have a favourite or something, but it's not necessary. I will use it if it isn't already in use).

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I owned it, I would be IN it.

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><p><em>33. Football season pre-game ritual:<em>

_Make sure to leave a dozen cookies in his locker before he gets to school. The best kind for this time of year are in the spice family, gingerbread cookies or snickerdoodles._

Puck strolled down the hallway of McKinley like a champ. He owned this place and his strut told everyone around that he knew it; freshmen jumped out of his way, girls admired him, guys either envied him or gave him pats on the back. No one noticed the way his hands trembled with nerves. The game tonight was an important one; McKinley needed to win in order to knock a big rival team out of the tournament. The pressure was on and each of the guys was feeling it in a different way: Finn carried a football everywhere and was constantly tossing it in the air, Mike had taken to snapping at anyone wearing red, and Azimio had lost his appetite. Puck himself was over compensating for his nerves by acting more cocky than normal. He approached his locker to abandon his backpack, though he wouldn't be taking out any books.

Puck spun the combination on his lock, hitting the numbers close enough that he popped the lock in one try. The metal door squealed with the familiar metal groan of high school lockers and Puck grimaced at the unpleasant noise. His eye was caught by the picture of him and Rachel that was clumsily taped to the door of his locker. He paused to admire the happy, goofy grins on their faces as Rachel had her arms thrown around his shoulders. They were at the lake and had taken all of their friends down at a massive Chicken tournament and were celebrating their victory when Mercedes had snapped the shot. Him and Rachel. _His girlfriend._

Puck smiled and turned to the inside of his locker, where he noticed a plain paper plate sitting on the top shelf of his locker. There were a pile of gingerbread cookies, the rich scent drifting towards him, on the plate. Puck eyed the cookies supiciously for a moment. Anyone who could break into his locker wasn't likely to leave him a plate of cookies, so he knew he was somewhat justified in his unease. There was a slip of paper under the plate, and Puck curiously pulled it out.

_Good luck today!_

The note was simple, well wishing, and Puck couldn't help the small grin that crossed his face. Obviously someone was smart enough to know who carried this team. He picked up a cookie, though still slightly wary, and took a bite. The rich spices and sweet molasses rolled over his tonuge and his grin widened. Puck pulled the plate out of his locker and shut the door. He made quick work of devouring the cookies before he saw any of the other guys, because he knew that if they tried to share (all in the interest of _team camaraderie_) he was going to start biting fingers.

That night Puck left his nerves on the bench and played spectacularly, pointing to his girl in the bleachers to let her know why he was winning this game.

And if she happened to have another dozen cookies in her purse for after the game? Well, he would probably be too jovial to make that connection.

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><p>Author's Note: There we go, chapter one! Please drop a review and let me know what you think and please leave me with some requests!<p> 


	2. Number 29

Author's Note: I had this one finished, but FF decided to mess with me and prevent me from uploading my files! Sad face.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I owned it, I would be IN it.

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><p><em>29. He's extremely allergic to shellfish, but he refuses to ask about food preparation when we go out because "it makes him less of a badass."<em>

"Hi there! My name is Paul, and I will be your waiter this evening," the waiter flashed Rachel and Puck a brilliantly cheerful smile as he passed out a pair of menus, "Can I start you off with some drinks and perhaps an appetizer?"

"Hell yeah!" Puck began to say, until he caught the amused look on Rachel's face. He cleared his throat, "Ah – I mean yes of course, that would be great. Baby, would you like to split an appetizer?"

The bright smile he received definitely made his heart flutter. Rachel took a quick look at the Appetizer section of the menu and then looked back at the waiter, "He has a seafood allergy, is there anything you would reccommend?"

The waiter smiled and explained the allergy policy of the restaurant. After he had finished and they had placed their orders Puck turn to Rachel with a perplexed look in his eyes.

"Babe, why would you tell him that I have a seafood allergy? You still have my epi pen, don't you? That's more than enough!"

Rachel rolled her eyes, "One: that epi pen is for _emergencies _only. And two: we've been over this Noah. Remember what happened on our first date?"

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><p><em>While one would normally expect to be picked up on a first date, Rachel could attest for herself that she wasn't normal and she would be hard-pressed to find a person in town who would disagree with her. So when she adjusted her pale pink cardigan before ringing the doorbell for her first official date – because by her standards making out on her bed before her dads got home from work didn't count – she wasn't certain what to expect. When his mother opened the door and engulfed Rachel in a hug of Elizabeth Arden Red Door perfume and soft, but wiry arms, Rachel was certain she wasn't expecting this.<em>

"_Oh, Rachel it's so good to see you!" Aviva Puckerman took a step back, but kept her grip on Rachel's shoulders, "Ooo let me have a look at you! I knew my son would come to his senses one of these days."_

_Rachel giggled, "Ms. Puckerman I saw you yesterday at Temple. I promise I haven't changed all that much since then."_

_Puck's mother scoffed, "Oh please honey, since when am I Ms. Puckerman to you?"_

"_I suppose you're right," Rachel laughed again, "My apologies."_

"_Oh hush now, come in, come in!" Aviva waved Rachel in the door, closing it gently behind her, "Would you like a drink?"_

"_No thank you," Rachel replied graciously._

_Aviva nodded, turned towards the stairs, and screamed, "NOAH! RACHEL'S HERE!"_

"_Damn Ma! I hear you!"_

"_Don't you sass me Bubelah! I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!" she turned back to Rachel's amused face with a perfectly warm smile, "Are you sure I can't get you anything while we're waiting?"_

"_No, I promise I'm perfectly fine."_

"_Good, good. Now I need to give you something," Aviva disappeared into the kitchen and returned a moment later with a yellow tube, about the size of an electric toothbrush, "This is a spare epi pen for Noah. He has a few allergies, but he refuses to carry one around for himself. Seafood is a big one, so watch out for my boy hmm?"_

_Rachel nodded and tucked the epi pen into her purse, wondering how she'd never known this little tidbit about Noah. He came bounding down the stairs in dark jeans and a grey fitted tee._

"_Damn," he whistled, "Looking good Berry. Let's get going."_

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><p><em>Rachel giggled as she drove. Puck turned to her with a question in his eyes that she was quick to answer, "I love your mom."<em>

"_Good," Puck snorted in a most gentleman-like fashion, "She's got to like one of us and I'm pretty sure it's not me."_

_They arrived at Breadstix, and the waitress tried to seat them at Puck's usual booth – in the back corner of the restaurant where he could cop a feel without getting caught – but Puck was quick to hand her a ten and say, "Not tonight, I want everyone to know I'm here."_

_Rachel was still blushing when they were seated at a booth in the center of the restaurant. Surprisingly the conversation with Puck flowed easily and suddenly there were appetizers at their table. Rachel plucked a piece off the plate and popped it in her mouth. She 'mmm-ed' in appreciation as her tastebuds processed the complexity of lemon, paprika, and... Shrimp. Rachel's eyes widened as she watched Puck about to eat some of the appetizer._

"_Noah!" Rachel tried to reach across the table, "Don't-"_

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><p><em>A few hours in the Emergency Room and another epinephrine shot and Rachel was driving Puck home, holding his hand in a death grip. Puck laughed.<em>

"_Babe, I promise I will live," he ran a thumb along her knuckles reassuringly. He watched as her eyes widened and panicked for a moment, "What? What's wrong?"_

"_You called me babe," Rachel replied in a small voice._

_'Oh shit,' was the first thought to run through Puck's head, but he managed to keep himself together long enough to ask, "Bad?"_

_Rachel shook her head, a tiny smile twitching at the corner of her mouth, "No. Good."_

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><p>"It's <em>not<em> badass to have allergies," Noah insisted, flailing his fork for emphasis, "Your story just proves it! Not even _my_guns can make up for that kind of infraction against badassness."

Rachel chuckled, stealing a tomato from his plate that Pcuk wasn't going to eat anyway, "And _I_ maintain that it's much less badass if you accidentally eat shrimp and go into anaphelactic shock."

As they were leaving the restaurant, Noah wrapped a hand gently around Rachel's waist to spin her around. She braced her hands against his chest to balance herself and he leaned in until they were a mere breath away from the other's lips.

"Thank you for looking out for me," he murmured softly, pecking her lightly on the lips. Rachel brought a delicate hand up to the back of his neck to deepen their kiss, sucking on his lower lip. Noah groaned quietly and traced the curve of her hip with his hand. Suddenly he began to feel panicky and yanked away from Rachel, clawing at his throat as he felt it begin to close.

"Did you get nuts on your salad?" he managed to rasp out.

Rachel nodded and her deep brown eyes widened as she was hit with the realization. Then Rachel Berry said something that she very rarely did, "Oh _shit._"

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><p>Author's Note: Poor Puck. Reviews are like epinephrine: life saving and exciting!<p> 


	3. Number 78

Author's Note: I'm really glad you're all enjoying this so far. I need to stop setting deadlines for myself, but I know that if I didn't then I would never post anything. So better a little late than never eh? I need some prompts for shenanigans for Rachel to add to her notebook so please send in your ideas! You all keep this story going.

Disclaimer: It makes me so sad that I don't own anything.

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><p><em>78. When his dad calls, it always puts him and Dani in a mood. Best to take their minds off of it with an activity. Mini-golf and bowling are two favourites.<em>

Puck was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling while pretending to be asleep so his ma wouldn't be at him to get some Saturday chores done. It was a few days after Christmas and he was enjoying the school-free time to hang out with his friends and Rachel, bulk up his guns, and annoy Dani. The phone was ringing loudly in his ear, and Puck groaned as he realized that he had left the cordless extension on his bedside table. He picked up the phone and answered with a gruff, "H'lo?"

"Noah," a familiar gruff voice sounded in the speaker. Puck felt his muscles tense as he froze, "Merry Christmas son."

"Dad," Puck replied stiffly, "Merry Christmas."

"Aw c'mon now, you don't have a happy greeting for your old man?" Puck grimaced at the smarmy tone in his dad's voice. He knew the man was trying to have an interest, but the fact that his phone calls were few and far between merely demonstrated how little Noah and Dani actually meant to the man. Puck could remember the last time he saw his father.

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><p><em>He was eight, ruling PeeWee football with his best friend Finn Hudson. They had tumbled in the front door, kicking off their dirty runners and wiping grass-stained fingers on their shorts to "wash" them so they could go and eat Oreos and drink chocolate milk. His ma was sitting on the couch, looking pale.<em>

"_You sick ma?" Puck had called out as he pulled two glasses._

_His mother sighed, "No baby I'm not sick. Finny, honey, can you go home please? I need to talk to Noah. Tell your mother I will call her after supper ok?"_

_Finn, looking suitably confused, nodded and received a kiss on the top of his head (God, the boy was going to be tall! He was already shoulder-height to her). He was shoo'ed out the door and Noah was sat down on the couch._

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><p>Just like that it became Noah, Dani, and mom. He had simultaneously taken on the role of the 'man of the house' and the 'rebellious angry kid.' Right now, however, he was sitting at the top of the stairs with his knees pulled up to his chest; right now he was a scared, abandoned kid. Dani could hear their mom screaming from her room and, coming to investigate, found her big brother at the top of the stairs listening –<em> "-think you can just call whenever you want and think it's a job done? No! That's not how it works-"<em>- and figured out pretty quickly what was happening even before Puck opened his mouth to say it out loud:

"Dad called."

"Ah," Dani nodded. She curled up beside Noah, felt his arm wrap her up protectively, and together they sat.

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><p>The doorbell was ringing.<p>

Aviva was still screaming at her ex-husband, and Puck was still sitting at the top of the stairs. Dani had fallen asleep against his shoulder and he had carried her to her room. He heaved a sigh and got to his feet – his ma probably hadn't even heard the doorbell.

Puck pulled open the front door to reveal a smiling Rachel carrying a big batch of strawberry cupcakes – Dani's favourite. Her enormous grin definitely betrayed her news: "I got it Noah!"

Puck made an attempt to smile back at her, "Got what babe?"

"You remember the winter show I auditioned for two weeks ago?" she barely waited for his nod of confirmation before plowing on, "I got the part!"

"That's great!" Puck swept Rachel up in a hug and dipped her to lay a sweet kiss on her. When they were vertical again, Rachel furrowed her brow.

"What's the matter?"

Puck began to deny it, but Aviva's screaming echoed from the kitchen. He sighed, "My dad called today."

Rachel's face softened. She stepped into his personal space and wrapped her arms around his waist. They held each other for a moment, Rachel offering comfort and Noah offering gratitude. Rachel pulled from the embrace with a familiar manic gleam in her eyes.

"Where's Dani?"

"Uh... She fell asleep, so she's in her room?" Puck watched her nervously. He knew that look; it usually meant Rachel was planning something.

"Wake her up! We're going out!"

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><p>When he saw where they were going Puck began to laugh. Rachel was smiling, and Dani was peeking over his shoulder, demanding to know where they were.<p>

"I can't believe they're even open!" Puck howled through his laughter, "It's the middle of winter!"

The obnoxious neon lighting that announced _'West Lima Mini Golf'_ was blinking and casting a crazy light show across the untouched snow of the parking lot. Rachel parked the car and they all piled out. The bored-looking employee quickly set them up with brightly coloured balls and putters. Rachel offered the pink ball to Dani, but Dani chose the orange ball instead, and Noah was left with electric purple.

They got through the first game before Dani announced that her hands were cold. Noah slipped his own gloves off and pulled them on over the pair she was already wearing. By the end of the second game the snow was falling in gentle little puffs all around, creating a cozy atmosphere. Puck's fingers were red and stiff from the cold, so they decided that one more game would be enough to get their fill for the night.

Rachel was apparently the worst mini-golfer ever. She had lost both games so far, and was so far behind him and Dani that she had resigned herself to another loss. It was the last hole – a windmill with a rotating blade that had taken her six putts just to get through to the other side – and Rachel was determined to have one successful shot. She carefully lined up her ball and watched the turning blade of the windmill until she could concentrate on nothing else. She took in a breath, unconscious of the way Puck and Dani were watching her, and swing her golf club.

It happened almost in slow motion. The putter connecting with the ball. The ball sailing through the hole in the windmill to the other side and then smoothly rolling into the hole. A perfect shot. Rachel froze, a hilarious tableau of surprise with her raised eyebrows, wide eyes and parted lips. Then suddenly everything was moving at high speed because suddenly Rachel was in Puck's arms cheering and laughing, her long legs wrapped around his hips and her fist pumping in the air. Dani was laughing and Puck was trying to hold Rachel up while keeping his balance.

His fingers were already cold, he didn't want to add a cold ass to that.

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><p>"Aw Rachel it's so cute! You're so lucky!" Dani whined, smiling. For every hole-in-one a golfer made they received tickets that could be used to "purchase" a prize from the mini golf store. Rachel had immediately chosen a bulbous stuffed panda that was basically a ball of grinned at her for a moment before holding out the poufy, ridiculous black and white toy.<p>

"You keep it."

"You mean it?" Dani asked, her eyes widening with hope. Rachel nodded and Puck's little sister let out an excited squeal, "Ohmigod! You're the best!"

She skipped ahead of Noah and Rachel, waltzing her new bear across the snow covered parking lot. Rachel giggled, watching Dani, but Noah was too busy watching her. She caught his gaze out of the corner of her eye and blushed. Puck laughed and slung a muscled arm around her petite shoulders. He leaned in and brushed his lips against her earlobe.

"You really are," he murmured softly in her ear, making her shiver from his proximity. Rachel's grin softened and she leaned into his embrace, they shuffled through the snow after Dani. Puck's smile turned mischevious, "Thank you for today, and I can't wait to show you just how _much_ I think you're the best."

Rachel gasped and swung an elbow into Puck's ribcage. Her blush intensified to a deep scarlet and Puck let out a laugh.

"What are you doing? C'mon guys it's cold!" Dani called from where she was dancing on the spot by Rachel's car, "I'm freezing my nuts off here!"

"You don't have nuts Dani!" Puck hollered, scooping up a snowball and lobbing it at his sister, who squealed and shied away even as it hit her in the hip. The siblings threw themselves into a full fledged snow war while Rachel stood to the side, laughing and shaking her head good naturedly. Her job was done today, even if she had to get covered in a little snow to do it.

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><p>Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this one! It's been an oddly warm winter here, and we've only gotten a few feet of snow so it's weird to get into the winter mindset for me. And please send me some prompts!<p> 


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